Nothing makes the gg grouchier than his experience with today’s passenger vehicles.
The gg recently bought a car with one of those new-fangled remote push button starting systems. To start
or turn off the engine, all you have to do is to push a button on the dash. Sounds good, doesn’t it.? And
convenient. Now, of course, there are
some conditions. First, to start the
car, you need to have your remote device on your person or somewhere in the
car. This is not the customary “key” to
which geezers like gg are long accustomed.
The old key was a simple, flat, lightweight thing you could attach to a
key ring or chain. It did not take up
much room in your pants pocket and was easy to retrieve and use. You simply inserted it in the ignition,
turned it clockwise and the engine would turn over and start. When it was time to stop and turn off the
engine, you simply turned the key counterclockwise to the off position and
removed it from the ignition. It was
virtually impossible to lock your key in the car since you would almost
naturally have the key in your hand when you turned off and exited the
vehicle. If you needed to open the door
on the passenger side, you simply pushed or lifted a button on the inside of
the driver door and that would unlock, or lock the passenger door and/or other
doors. If you needed to get into the
trunk, you simply inserted the key in the trunk lock, turned it and the trunk
would open. If you valet parked, you
just handed your keys to the attendant. No
problemo. This was about as simple a
process as one could conceive. Well, not
quite in the eyes of the auto design junkies who are constantly looking for a
way to tinker with the systems and dashes on our cars for the purpose of adding
features which they try to convince us will make our driving experience more
pleasurable. As usual they have failed.
The remote device necessary to start my car must be at least
½ inch thick and 3 inches long, not much smaller than my TV remote. It has any number of symbols (no one uses
words anymore, or so it seems) designed to exact a certain response from the
vehicle. So, for example, if you want to
open the trunk you press “2X” (two
times) on the proper button. Press 3
times and the horn is likely to blow or something else unintended will
transpire. To start the vehicle, you
must have the device on your person or somewhere in the car. The first week, I would open the driver door
and place the remote in the cup holder built into the console and then push the
button on the dash to start the car.
Simple enough, right? But then when I would stop the car, push the
button to turn off the ignition and exit the car, I would forget to take the remote with me and leave it in the cup holder in the console. This is the modern day version of locking
oneself out of one’s car. I finally
figured out a way to beat this system by keeping the device in my pants
pocket. This worked fine, but then I had
to fish into my pants pocket and fight to retrieve the remote from amongst the
coins, pocket knife, breath mints and other essentials I carry in order to lock the car doors.
Once I did this, I was faced with the problem of which button to push
and how many times to push it in order to lock the doors. Push it one too many times and the horn would
honk. Not only that, but when valet
parking, I would walk off with the remote device in my pants pocket, leaving it
to the attendant to come frantically running after me so that he could start
the car.
And then there’s the matter of the electronic digital sound system
and the climate system. You almost need
an engineering degree to figure it all
out. But that’s a subject for another
grouch session. As is the low tire
inflation warning system. For now, Detroit or wherever Detroit is these days,
can’t you please go back to making cars that start and stop and lock and unlock
with just the simple turn of a simple key?
If you could please just do that, it would make this old geezer at least somewhat less grouchy. Well, maybe.
gg
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