PSST -- HEY MEESTER -- WANNA SEE SOMETHING KINKY?

When the old gg is not encamped in my study ruminating about the  world’s injustices and contradictions, I can sometimes be found outside trying to connect together various lengths of garden water hoses so that I can water the  paltry amount of grass and plants around the house that have managed to escape the ravenous appetites of the  varmints and critters that frequent this place during the nighttime hours.  This is often a challenge since all my hoses were, when I bought them years ago, the cheapest available in the local hardware store.  Like the gg himself, they are old and leaky.  This past week,  after much tugging, pulling and twisting on the old things,  I was finally able to assemble enough of them together to be able to do some watering.  However, when I finally turned on the spigot, nothing happened, meaning  no water came out the open hose end.  Over time, I’ve learned instinctively to recognize the problem – the deadly KINK.  Not one or two, but several.   This time, I’d had enough.  I gathered up all the old hoses and threw them into a corner of the garage.  Then I set out to the same local hardware store and bought 4 brand new water hoses in various lengths.  More importantly, this time I bought hoses that were represented to be “kink-free.”  Made out of rubber and not vinyl, I paid a pretty penny for those things but I told my self it would be worth it to no longer have to contend with kinky water hoses..  Today, I hooked up two of the new hoses so I could water a portion of the garden.  After connecting one end of the hose to the spigot and screwing on my hose nozzle to the other end, I was ready to enter watering nirvana for the first time in many years.  I turned on the water and put the nozzle on “spray.”  But to my utter surprise, once again nothing happened.  Zilch. Nada.    Walking back along the length of the brand new hoses, there it was – the biggest kink I had ever seen in a water hose, and believe me, the gg has seen plenty of those.  Tomorrow,  I’m going to return the hoses to the hardware store and grouch at the man or lady behind the counter who sold me kinked hoses they said wouldn’t kink.  Tonight, I going to sit in my study and ruminate about why it is that some companies sell products that aren’t what they say they are or that do or don’t do what they say they will or won’t do. 

gg

BUY ONE -- GET ELEVEN FREE

The gg has been retired for a number of years now, so my need for wardrobe maintenance and replenishment has diminished.  However,  after being advised by Mrs. gg  that I was starting to look a little shabby, I  decided recently to retire a few of my older shirts left over from my working days and replace them with new ones.  Since the gg is now an online shopper, this  meant taking to the trusty internet to see what was available.  (I won’t reveal the merchant I visited by name, but here’s a hint:  its first name was the father of perhaps the most important person to ever live; the last name is a place too big to fail where I keep what little cash I have.) Much to my surprise, I was shocked to see how the prices of men’s  clothing have gone up in the past few years.   I never paid more than $35 for a dress shirt during my working years, so I was shocked to find out that those same shirts are now going for $79.95.  But wait – the ad I’m looking at says if I buy one at the regular price ($79.95) I can get another one free.  Two for the price of one – now there’s a good deal.  Isn’t it?  Only if you believe the shirt is really worth $79.95 and that is truly its regular price.  This comes down to $39.98 per shirt, still more than my ceiling price of $35: so the gg took a pass.  This new marketing gimmick seems to have really caught hold in the men’s clothing business.  I don’t see this “buy one get one free” marketing technique being used to sell women’s clothing.  The ad people must think we men are dumber than our female counterparts. Well, aren’t we?  The gg used to think this gimmick was only used to sell fireworks.  But now it’s used to sell shirts to grouchy geezers.

gg

ALL I WANNA DO IS PEE –E-E-E-E----PEE, PEE, PEE-E (with apologies to the Everly Brothers)

Dan Patrick of Baltimore,  the current Lieutenant Governor of Texas,  has adopted  as his latest cause célèbre the task of keeping transgendered female students (males by birth who transgender to become females) from using girls restrooms.  "Urine in the wrong restroom" is what Dan Patrick of Baltimore would say to those students.  Dan Patrick of Baltimore’s concern is that among these persons are those who presumably would use their claimed identity as females to access girl’s restrooms where they would be able to look at young girls (or even old women, I suppose) with their pants down using  the restroom  According to Dan Patrick of Baltimore, this is an urgent matter of public policy that needs addressing without delay (notwithstanding that it is already against the law in Texas for a male to use a female public restroom).  It is so important that Dan Patrick of Baltimore has said that he would be willing to forego on behalf of the State of Texas as much as $10 billion in federal revenue for use in the public schools of Texas just to show that Dan Patrick of Baltimore won’t be pushed around by Barack Obama of Washington, D.C.  And Dan Patrick of Baltimore  means it by golly.  As do the legion of Dan Patrick of Baltimore’s  crazed followers who have followed  Dan Patrick of Baltimore’s  zaniness and crazy antics for years on Dan Patrick of Baltimore’s  ultra right wing Houston radio station and now voted him into high office as a State official.  Dan Patrick of Baltimore is being aided and abetted in his efforts  by Texas Attorney General  Ken Paxton, who is apparently devoting  whatever time to this problem he has left over after meeting daily with his private lawyers trying to dodge charges of securities fraud.

Now you, the faithful reader, might wonder why the old gg is so agog at this development involving Dan Patrick of Baltimore.  Surely, you’re saying to yourself, the Grouchy Geezer does not believe that people with male genitalia should be allowed to do their business inside a women’s restroom – does he?  And surely the gg must be aware that the main reason that males elect to transgender to females in the first place is so that they can go inside the girls’ restroom and “look.”  That is their real reason, isn’t it?  Dan Patrick of Baltimore must think so.   If not, why would he go to such great lengths to stir this up and make it into such a big issue? Dan Patrick of Baltimore has  proclaimed this to be the most pressing issue facing the great State of Texas (which Dan Patrick of Baltimore secretly would like to return once more into the  Republic of Texas).  To be exact,  Dan Patrick of Baltimore think it’s a problem worth $10 billion, the amount of federal education dollars he is willing to give up to keep transgendered females  from using the girls restroom.  But the gg wishes that Dan Patrick of Baltimore would give his supporters and fellow Texans the answer to the following question:  If a transgendered “Henry turned Henrietta” cannot use the ladies’ restroom at school or out in public, then what should she do when she has to pee?  According to Dan Patrick of Baltimore,  Henrietta should be required to use the men’s room, since Dan Patrick of Baltimore obviously  presumes that Henrietta still retains male plumbing. Dan Patrick of Baltimore must believe that since he has proclaimed that transgendered persons like Henrietta should use the bathroom compatible with their sex at birth.  But since Henrietta has gone to great lengths to convert to female sexuality because deep inside she feels like a female and knows she’s a female, isn’t it safe to assume she looks, acts and dresses iike a girl?  So what does Dan Patrick of Baltimore think will happen to Henrietta, dressed as the female she now is, when she is forced to go  into the boys’ restroom to pee ?  In that case is Dan Patrick of Baltimore concerned in the least for the safety of Henrietta, who is surely to be bullied and teased, if not worse, by the male occupants of the boys restroom?  So far,  Dan Patrick of Baltimore has never uttered a word condemning or proposing any solution for school bullying.  Since those incidents are much more common, you would think it would have gotten Dan Patrick of Baltimore’s attention by now.  Could it be that victims of bullying are just not ripe for use as props for Dan Patrick of Baltimore’s attacks on the federal government?  The gg thinks $10 million  could go a long way to help stem the tide of school bullying in Texas.

It was reported wihtin the past few days that Donald Trump may not be able to find anyone willing to run with him as his VP or in his cabinet or as an advisor.  The gg would suggest Dan Patrick of Baltimore would be a great fit (see reference to zaniness and crazy antics above).  There is just one catch – in a surprising and refreshing answer to a question, Trump said he believes that a transgendered student should be able to use whatever bathroom he/she feels most comfortable using.  In other words, everyone should just keep on keeping on with the way they've been doing it until  the likes of Dan Patrick of Baltimore and his clones in some of the other states decided to make this a burning issue.  Since this is apparently  the most important issue of the day, and since Dan Patrick of Baltimore and Donald Trump of New York do not agree on how to resolve it, Dan Patrick of Baltimore is obviously not  an appropriate  running mate or cabinet appointee.

The gg thinks a more burning question is:  What restroom should be used in Texas by  transplanted idiots from Baltimore who want us to believe they’re native Texans?  By the way, have I mentioned that Dan Patrick is from Baltimore?

gg

IF YOU'RE OUT THERE, RAISE YOUR RIGHT FANG AND GIVE ME A BIG HISS

If there’s anyone who loathes snakes more than the gg it’s Mrs. gg.  Recently, I was summoned by her to our front driveway to dispatch a copperhead who had ventured onto our property from the neighbor’s garden.  Following that episode, I went to the hardware store to purchase some snake repellent, thinking that would encourage all existing snakes to leave and at the same time discourage any would-be newcomers.  Boy, was I wrong,  Now if there’s one group of varmints that make me grouchier than snakes it would have to be the folks that write product instructons, warning labels, etc. on the boxes and packages of items that we purchase for our day to day lives.  I think in industry parlance they are called technical writers. The gg was all prepared to buy this snake repellent when  I read this warning on the back of the box:  “Do not use this product if snakes are already present on your premises..”  I pondered that statement for a while and then I pondered it for a greater while.  And then I tried to apply it to my present situation by first asking myself:  How in the world do I know whether there are any snakes already present on my premises?  And if there aren’t any, then what am I doing here purchasing a product that I don’t really need because I don’t have a snake problem?  I wound up buying the snake repellent but I still haven’t found a way to determine whether I have any preexisting snakes on my property so I don’t violate the warning on the product box.   Snakes make the gg very grouchy.  What makes the gg even grouchier are puzzling instructions written in small print by obviously puzzled technical writers on the back of the box of a product that I can’t tell if I should buy .

gg

JOHNNY (KASICH) WE HARDLY KNEW YE

Those of you who are regular visitors to this blog know that only rarely does the gg post on matters having to do with politics.  Today will be one of those rare occasions.  I watched and listened to John Kasich’s speech this afternoon during which he announced that he is abandoning his bid for the Republican presidential nomination.   He did so in his customary fashion of appealing to our better angels – to our bright side and not our dark side.  He recounted his meetings with  various individuals he had met along the way who inspired him – people who had arisen above themselves and influenced others to do the same.  He thanked all of those who made it possible for him to pursue his  quest to rise above himself by serving the public good .  There was no gloating, no name-calling, no anger, no hint of any narcissism.  Just a good,  humble and gracious man with a positive vision of what we could accomplish  by working together, thankful just for the opportunity given him by his creator to serve his fellow man.   Watching him, I thought how wonderful a President he would  have been and why  it was that the voters in the Republican primaries rejected him.  But perhaps this is no longer the  time for good and decent men to be in charge of our affairs.   And if that is indeed the case, that makes the gg grouchier than usual.

gg

SHE'LL BE COMING ROUND THE MOUNTAIN, BUT WHO CARES?

The gg grew up with trains.  Trains were a part of my daily life.   Our house was only a short distance from the railroad tracks where at least 7 or 8 trains would come through town every day.  I would ride my bike down to the tracks and wait for the train to come through.  It was a sheer delight every time I saw  the old coal-fired locomotive pulling the cars.  And it was such a comfort to see the always reliable caboose at the tail end of every train.    I would  wave at the brakeman on the back porch of the caboose and if he saw me he would wave back.  One day the railroad company decided it no longer needed a brakeman on its train and hence there was no longer a need for a caboose.  It was sad enough when the locomotive was replaced by the sleek new diesels.  But not nearly as sad as losing the caboose.  Today’s trains make the gg very grouchy.  I no longer get exicited when I see one; in fact, I’m likely to curse whenever I get held up by one.  I wonder if a train without a caboose is really a train at all?  Is a sentence without a period really a sentence?

gg

WHAT SIDE ARE YOU ON ANYWAY?

It seems like there’s always something involving cars that causes the gg to feel grumpy.  The gg’s are a 2-car family,meaning that we have the missus gg’s SUV and the gg’s car.  I drive them interchangeably.  When I drive the SUV, there is a little button I push and the seat and steering wheel automatically adjusts to accommodate my frame.  Now there’s a feature I happen to like.  It actually makes the gg smile.  But let’s not get too carried away – there’s still plenty left to turn smiles into frowns.  Here’s just one and the subject of today’s rant:  it has to do with the location of the gas tank filler.  On the SUV, it is located on the driver side; but on the car, it is located on the passenger side.  The problem is that the gg can never remember on which side the darn thing is located.  Now you’d think this problem could be solved by simply looking in the side mirror to see where the cap is located.  But I’ve tried that on both vehicles and the side mirror is no help.  Due to the curvature of the car or the mirror itself, you can’t see the gas tank filler door by looking in the mirror. 

If any car designer is reading this post, I hope you’ll take this to heart and come up with a fix.  Something as simple as a decal on the front windshield on the driver’s side ( facing inside of course) would do the trick.  It could read:  “Gas filler door on driver side” (unless it were on the passenger side in which case the decal would read:  “Gas filler door on passenger side.”)  It would be so much easier in the first place if this could be standardized by the auto industry.  Just make up their minds which side to place the gas tank filler and make it the same on all vehicles.  The makers of gasoline pumps could help if they would give us hoses with a longer reach, so that those of us who have pulled into the station with our filler tank doors on the side opposite the pump would still be able to fill up without having to back up and turn around.  But all of those changes  would be too simple and logical.  As long as there are grouches out here like the gg, the auto makers and gas pump makers will continue to delight in driving us crazy.  Not all of us, but those of us like the gg who never know on what side of the car their gas tank is located. 

  

Have a nice day, fellow grouches.  Smile if you must.

gg

FORD HAS A BITTER IDEA

Nothing makes the gg grouchier than his experience with  today’s passenger vehicles.

The gg recently bought a car with one of those new-fangled remote push button starting systems.  To start or turn off the engine, all you have to do is to push a button on the dash.  Sounds good, doesn’t it.? And convenient.  Now, of course, there are some conditions.  First, to start the car, you need to have your remote device on your person or somewhere in the car.  This is not the customary “key” to which geezers like gg are long accustomed.  The old key was a simple, flat, lightweight thing you could attach to a key ring or chain.  It did not take up much room in your pants pocket and was easy to retrieve and use.  You simply inserted it in the ignition, turned it clockwise and the engine would turn over and start.  When it was time to stop and turn off the engine, you simply turned the key counterclockwise to the off position and removed it from the ignition.  It was virtually impossible to lock your key in the car since you would almost naturally have the key in your hand when you turned off and exited the vehicle.  If you needed to open the door on the passenger side, you simply pushed or lifted a button on the inside of the driver door and that would unlock, or lock the passenger door and/or other doors.  If you needed to get into the trunk, you simply inserted the key in the trunk lock, turned it and the trunk would open.  If you valet parked, you just handed your keys to the attendant.  No problemo.  This was about as simple a process as one could conceive.  Well, not quite in the eyes of the auto design junkies who are constantly looking for a way to tinker with the systems and dashes on our cars for the purpose of adding features which they try to convince us will make our driving experience more pleasurable.  As usual they have failed.

The remote device necessary to start my car must be at least ½ inch thick and 3 inches long, not much  smaller than my TV remote.  It has any number of symbols (no one uses words anymore, or so it seems) designed to exact a certain response from the vehicle.  So, for example, if you want to open the trunk you press  “2X” (two times) on the proper button.  Press 3 times and the horn is likely to blow or something else unintended will transpire.  To start the vehicle, you must have the device on your person or somewhere in the car.  The first week, I would open the driver door and place the remote in the cup holder built into the console and then push the button on the dash to start the car.  Simple enough, right? But then when I would stop the car, push the button to turn off the ignition and exit the car, I would forget to take the remote with me and leave it in the cup holder in the console.  This is the modern day version of locking oneself out of one’s car.   I finally figured out a way to beat this system by keeping the device in my pants pocket.  This worked fine, but then I had to fish into my pants pocket and fight to retrieve the remote from amongst the coins, pocket knife, breath mints and other essentials I carry  in order to lock the car doors.  Once I did this, I was faced with the problem of which button to push and how many times to push it in order to lock the doors.  Push it one too many times and the horn would honk.   Not only that, but when valet parking, I would walk off with the remote device in my pants pocket, leaving it to the attendant to come frantically running after me so that he could start the car.

And then there’s the matter of the electronic digital sound system and the climate system.  You almost need an engineering degree  to figure it all out.  But that’s a subject for another grouch session.  As is the low tire inflation warning system. For now, Detroit or wherever Detroit is these days, can’t you please go back to making cars that start and stop and lock and unlock with just the simple turn of a simple key?  If you could please just do that, it would make this old  geezer at least somewhat less grouchy.  Well, maybe.

gg

WAKE UP LITTLE SUZY -- and everyone else with a bleeping bleeping battery backup on their electric smoke alarm system

The other evening around 3:00 a.m.,   the gg was awakened from an unusual good night’s sleep by an intermittent beeping sound.  I knew immediately the sound was coming from the smoke alarm on the ceiling just outside the bedroom door.  According to the manufacturer, its purpose was to alert me that the backup battery in the  alarm system needed to be changed.  I think the real purpose is to cause geezers like the gg to be even grouchier than we already are.  Let me explain:

To protect me and the missus gg from death by smoke inhalation or fire, the builder of our house installed smoke detectors in virtually every room.  As everyone must know, their purpose is to alert the homeowner in the event of a fire in the home so that the occupants can safely and timely exit the home.  Mine are hard wired so that they operate off the house’s electricity, as opposed to batteries.  However,  these systems do include batteries as a backup in case of an electric failure or service interruption.

Now, under what circumstance would you suppose a person needs for an alarm to inform him that his house was on fire?   I can think of only one:  when he or she is sleeping, which generally occurs during the nighttime hours.  That is the only time the gg can think of when a smoke alarm would have value.  And I am supposed to take comfort in knowing that if the electricity to my home is interrupted while I am asleep, the battery back-up in the alarm will still cause the alarm to be sounded in the event of smoke or fire.  So why at 3:00 a.m. on this morning did I not feel comforted by that fact?  Keep reading.

Now, is there any  circumstance that would cause the electricity to my home to be interrupted while I am sound asleep at night in my bed?  Let’s ignore the fact that as geezers there is no such thing to begin with as a “sound” sleep.  So we’re always awake enough to detect the smell of smoke or feel the heat of fire without the need for an alarm to tell us.  Heck, if there's fire, we can just pee on it and put it out -- that's usually why we're awake in the first place.  But I digress.   The only circumstance I can think of would be a storm so intense that it caused the electricity to go out.  But wouldn’t a storm that intense cause us to be awake in the first place?  And what are the odds that a fire would break out in one’s home at the same time  we are sound asleep, and  when the electricity to the smoke alarm is out?

.

These smoke alarm manufacturers have thought of everything – everything, that is, to drive us geezers crazy.  In their wisdom, they added a feature that causes the alarm device to put out this incessant  beeping noise to alert us whenever the battery in the back-up is dead or is dying and needs to be replaced.  The gg is convinced that this feature is designed to employ only between the hours of 2:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m. and never during the daylight hours.  Not one time in the gg’s life have I ever experienced this bleeping dead battery bleeping during the daytime hours when I am wide awake.

And what did it mean for the gg on this particular occasion?  It means that in the middle of the night, the gg must get out of bed, and through bleary eyes somehow find my way to the garage, retrieve my stepladder and lug it  into the house without scratching the paint on the side of the car.  Then,  set it up under the bleeping  smoke detector after  trying to locate the drawer that holds the extra battery we keep (don't we?) just for this occasion, and after sifting through our legion of instruction pamphlets to  find the one that tells how to change the battery on the smoke alarm (or going online at 3:00 in the morning to watch a You Tube video instructional).  And all the while thinking about how the manufacturer thought he was doing me a favor and providing a valuable service with this back-up battery scheme.

If the gg ever has another house, you can rest assured there will be no back-up battery powered smoke alarm system anywhere in sight.    In the unlikely event of a perfect storm (no pun intended) that results simultaneously (a) in my home’s electricity being interrupted (b)at the same time as I am sleeping and (c) at the same time as my house is consumed by smoke and fire,  I plan to be able to go on sleeping as if nothing was happening.  There are already  too many things competing to interfere with my sleep – I surely  don’t want or need to be awakened by something telling me my backup batteries in my smoke detector are dead.  If the worst should happen, I’ll just assume the smoke and fire are a sign that the gg has died in his sleep and has gone to hell.

gg

HE'S B-A-A-A-A-A-A-K

The gg is back after another fairly long hiatus.  Actually, this was the latest in a number of hiatuses (or is it hiati?  Licensed grammarians please reply.)  

I will try to be more consistent and timely with my postings from now on.  Perhaps I'll see if my pharmacist can recommend something to improve my regularity.

Thank you for your patience and loyalty.

gg