Coming Soon -- Another One of Those Annoying Top 10 Lists

The Grouchy Geezer has reached the stage of life when it is well nigh impossible for me to stay up past the hour of 10 each evening.  Even when I don't go to bed by that hour, I can usually be found splayed out in my recliner, sound asleep, snoring loudly, while the local 10 o'clock newscaster is busy in the background describing the havoc that has taken place in the nearest city during the day and early evening.  (Come to think of it, sleep is probably the best antidote for the quality of the news these days.)  There was a time when the gg could stay awake and suffer through the news just to be able  to watch and listen to my favorite late night comic.  For me that was David Letterman.  Not even close.  I loved Letterman's Top 10s.  He had a Top 10 for just about every topic one could think of.  And they would get progressively funnier the closer he counted down to No. 1.  The people who wrote  for the David Letterman show were brilliant.  I guess they still are.  I think if I had not become by default a professional curmudgeon, I would have enjoyed being a writer on that show.  Thinking about David Letterman has got the gg to pondering whether perhaps I should come up with a Top 10 of my own.  Everyone has a Top 10 list of something -- why not the Grouchy Geezer.  After an exceedingly short deliberation, I have decided to do just that:  I am hereby announcing that I will soon, in the very near future,  produce a Top 10 list of things that irritate me the most -- things that do the most honor to the name Grouchy Geezer.  Most things on the list will not be a surprise.  All you have to do is look back through the years at my postings.  The hardest thing for me will be ranking them in Top 10 order.  To keep it interesting, I'll try to come up with a surprise or two.  If you, the readers, have any suggestions of your own from your own Top 10 lists, by all means send them to the gg and I might consider them for my own list.  Stay tuned!

gg

We Won the NLCS and All We Got Was This Lousy Pennant

Don't look now, fellow grouches, but have you noticed how some words have simply disappeared from the English language, or at least from our everyday conversations.  And not just that they have disappeared, but that they have done so seemingly without anyone noticing.  We can all think of and expound on examples of these if we just put our minds to it.  But there is one word in particular that has been on my mind the past few days. It is a word that used to be a prominent fixture this particular time of year (October)in the sporting world.  If you haven't guessed by now, the gg is talking about the word "pennant."  Is anyone out there besides the old gg been around long enough to remember when the champions of the American League and the National League in Major League Baseball were said to have won the "pennant?" Who can ever forget the headline in every East Coast newspaper on the morning after that infamous October 3 day in 1951 when the legendary Bobby Thompson hit his legendary game-winning home run off the bat of the hapless Ralph Branca of the Brooklyn Dodgers --  "Giants Win Pennant!"   Sadly,  today's sports writers are too young to have experienced the excitement of that day and what, indeed, was the contribution to baseball lore of that moment that allowed the upstart Giants to overcome a 13 game deficit on the last day of the 1951 season to win the "pennant."  Yes, the PENNANT.   No, today, we are informed that "the Nationals (Washington, DC) have won the National League Championship Series."  Let's say it again -- the "National League Championship Series."  And after tonight, perhaps we will be told by these same writers that "the Astros (Houston) have won the "American League Championship Series."  I have not read one report or heard one sports talking head mention the word "pennant."  It is as though that word has evaporated from our baseball lexicon.  What next, the gg wants to know -- will we be told that the Nationals or the Astros have won the "Major League Championship?"  Will the words "World Series" be the next to join the terms "pennant" and "Texas Leaguer" (used to describe a pop-up into the short outfield just beyond the infield) in the junkyard of baseball terminology?  The gg deeply misses the word "pennant."  This time of year, I long for it. It's a short word, easy to spell and easy to pronounce.  It is readily identifiable in the minds of everyone who can remember what baseball was like in those halcyon days and years when there were only 8 teams in each league and there were no playoffs.  The gg enjoys the modern-day playoffs as much as the next grouch, but I still wonder why they can't still refer to the prize of winning the League championship the "pennant."  Why can't we preserve that one remnant from a sport that once was our "national pasttime?"  After this week, I plan

to rattle every professed sports fan I know under the age of about 60 with this question:   "Who won the pennant this year?"

gg

WHEN IS A TENNIS SHOE NOT A TENNIS SHOE?

The gg set out this morning to do something I haven’t done in years – to buy myself a new pair of “tennis” shoes.  Now as most everyone who has bought any kind of athletic shoe or “sneaker” within the past 50 years must surely know by now, what used to truly be a tennis shoe – meaning it was intended for use in playing tennis – has long since become a generic term for any kind of athletic shoe or sneaker.  Very few  people actually play tennis and therefore when they go to buy athletic shoes, they rarely do so for the purpose of playing tennis.  So the tennis shoe now belongs in the same generic capacity as the Xerox machine (copiers and printers) and the Kelvinator (the gg’s grandmother, like others of her era, referred to her GE refrigerator as the “Kelvinator”)  and the “Coke date”.  But if the gg were to take a  poll of my readers, I’d bet at least half would admit to shopping for tennis shoes when what they are truly interested in are shoes for running or jogging  or some other use.

The gg remembers when the market for tennis shoes was limited to the old Converse canvas shoes.  They came in black, white or red, and in high top or low top. (These shoes have made a comeback recently and have become a fashion staple for girls.)  And then there were the rivals,  PF Flyers and US Keds.  And that was it. Over the course of my  growing up years,  I owned all three from time to time, but I remember the Converse’s the best.  I and all of my classmates who also had Converse’s would wear them to school every day and on weekends.  We’d wear them for every activity we participated in, whether softball, football, basketball, hunting, fishing, marbles or just hanging out.  Years later, when I actually began to play tennis seriously, I was able to save enough money to buy myself a pair of Fred Perry canvas tennis shoes (white of course) and later a pair of Adidas Stan Smith leather tennis shoes (also white).  In those days, every thing about tennis was white.

Now fast forward to this morning and the gg’s trip to the local sporting goods store.  There was a whole section of the store devoted to athletic and outdoor shoes, for both men and women.  I was at once  amazed and overwhelmed by the sheer number of shoes on display.  And not just the number but the variety, as it seemed there was a shoe for every athletic function known to man (or woman).  Upon entering the store, I was asked what I was there for and, of course, I said “tennis shoes.”  The greeter was an older gentlemen, so he smiled and winked, knowing and understanding that I was not looking for a shoe in which to play tennis, but more likely for walking or simply casual wear.  I followed his direction to the big sign that said “Shoes.”  The first thing I noticed was sign on each section of shelving describing the type of shoe on that particular shelf.  The signs included these, each having its own shelf with boxes of the shoes underneath the displayed shoes in the various sizes:  “Running shoes, Training Shoes, Walking Shoes, Outdoor shoes, Hiking Shoes, Casual shoes, Sandals, Lifestyle shoes.  (I asked what “Lifestyle” shoes were and was told that it was shoes that were designed to look pretty much like athletic shoes but were intended to be worn for casual occasions where no athletic activity was intended.  The gg took this to mean such things as  lounging around the pool at the country club.  Continuing, I saw signs for “Boating shoes, Water shoes, Volleyball shoes and Skateboarding shoes.”  It’s a good thing the gg didn’t go there to buy an actual pair of tennis shoes because there was no sign for “tennis shoes.”  It seemed to the gg that there was  a shoe made especially to be worn for any and every type of physical activity known to man.  And there must be well over 10 manufacturers competing with each other to sell all these “tennis shoes” to the public.  These included Nike, Adidas, Asics, Brooks, Reebok, Merrill, New Balance, , Puma, Saucony, Skechers, Sperry,  and Timberland.

The gg has decided that the manufacturers of these various tennis shoes are marketing geniuses.  They have convinced us, the consuming public, that when we want to walk, we need to buy and wear a pair of walking shoes; that if we want to then run, we need to stop and exchange our walking shoes for our pair of running shoes; and if we want to venture off the jogging trail onto a wooded path through the woods, we need to stop once more and change into our outdoor or hiking shoes.  Then if should come upon a body of water with a dock, we need yet once  more change into our boat shoes or our water shoes (if we want to go into the water).  Then of course if we should want to play volleyball or go skateboarding or engage in any other kind of athletic or other physical activity, we should put on our shoes designed for that particular activity.  It’s no wonder these shoes are  nicknamed “Sneakers” – these shoemakers sneak the money right out of our wallets and purses to buy a separate pair of shoes for each activity. 

But they forgot one thing:  What about the legions of us geezers out here who no longer choose or are no longer able to participate in any of those activities for which the shoes are made.  In the gg’s case, I’m waiting for them to come up with a “Netflix Binge Watching Shoe” or a “Chess Shoe” that one would wear for playing chess.  Or how about a “Snooze  shoe” for wearing while stretched out for a nap in one’s living room recliner?  The gg misses the old days when his trusted Converse high-tops answered the call for just about every sport or activity  or non-activity I wished to engage in – even tennis.  Speaking of tennis, It’s a good thing the gg didn’t go in that store to buy a pair of actual tennis shoes.  There were none so labeled or to be found.  And by now you know what that makes the gg.  Grouchy, yes.

gg

THE END OF SLEEVERY and the RIGHT TO BARE ARMS

It seems to the gg that Barack Obama gets blamed for lots of things these days that weren’t his  fault, so I’m going to give him a rest and pick on his much more popular wife, the former First Lady, Michelle Obama.  Why, you ask?  Wasn’t she a good first lady?  Didn’t she promote lots of measures to improve the quality of life on this planet?  Well, yes.  But as I recall she was also  the first one to appear in public wearing that widely publicized sleeveless dress which set off a frenzy in womens’ fashion, with every major designer of women’s clothing clamoring to incorporate that same look in their offerings.   We all know that Abraham Lincoln is credited as the one who ended slavery in this country, but few may know that Michelle Obama is the one who ended sleevery.  Let’s face it - the trend of sleeveless dresses has taken this country - no, not just this country but the entire world of women’s fashion - by storm and there appears to be no let-up. Don’t believe the old gg?  Then do this:  Turn on your TV to any cable news show or any other kind of program that features women in some kind of important role.  Still not convinced?  Then go to any department store. Go to Wal Mart.  Heck, go to church even.  You will see women of all ages, all heights, all weights, all body sizes wearing those sleeveless tops. 

The gg spends a fair amount of time watching cable news, switching back and forth among the various networks so as to try to absorb a “balanced” account of the “news.”  It’s here that I first began to really appreciate how the sleeveless phenomenon has taken over women’s fashion.The Fox News women seem to have embraced the sleeveless craze slightly more than their counterparts on their rival networks.  In fact, some of their attire reveals not only arms but shoulders as well, with round or diamond-shaped cutouts in the front.  At the same time, the necklines are plunging  down and hemlines are continuing  to go up.  It’s almost as though they are in a contest to see which of them can reveal the most of themselves and  still retain their creds as  journalists.   (Dear reader, it’s called “Foxxy News” for a reason.) 25 or 50 years ago, their mothers would have come onto the studio set and covered them with a blanket.  But today, the mothers are dressed the same way.

So is Mrs. Obama to blame (or, I suppose, to thank depending on one’s point of view), or is this all a harmless, even healthful development and a simple norm for the times we live in?  After all, this is now a society where unshaven male executives  wear T-shirts and blue jeans to work and even to what used to be formal social occasions that required suit and tie.  Now I know what you’re thinking – that this is just the latest example of the old gg being way behind the times and needing something to grouch about.  And you’re right, I am and it is.  And that’s just how the gg likes it.  But I have to admit – there is at least one practical justification for the sleeveless look:  It makes it much easier to get that flu shot during the flu season.

Oh, well, I have to close this posting now – I’m running late to my  appointment with this seamstress I’ve hired to cut the sleeves out of all of my shirts.  Who knows – I might just kick start a similar revolution in men’s fashion.  The gg is more than willing to lead the charge.  And I will have the weight of the US Constitution on my side.  Somewhere, doesn’t it say something about the right to bare arms?

gg

PSST -- HEY MEESTER -- WANNA SEE SOMETHING KINKY?

When the old gg is not encamped in my study ruminating about the  world’s injustices and contradictions, I can sometimes be found outside trying to connect together various lengths of garden water hoses so that I can water the  paltry amount of grass and plants around the house that have managed to escape the ravenous appetites of the  varmints and critters that frequent this place during the nighttime hours.  This is often a challenge since all my hoses were, when I bought them years ago, the cheapest available in the local hardware store.  Like the gg himself, they are old and leaky.  This past week,  after much tugging, pulling and twisting on the old things,  I was finally able to assemble enough of them together to be able to do some watering.  However, when I finally turned on the spigot, nothing happened, meaning  no water came out the open hose end.  Over time, I’ve learned instinctively to recognize the problem – the deadly KINK.  Not one or two, but several.   This time, I’d had enough.  I gathered up all the old hoses and threw them into a corner of the garage.  Then I set out to the same local hardware store and bought 4 brand new water hoses in various lengths.  More importantly, this time I bought hoses that were represented to be “kink-free.”  Made out of rubber and not vinyl, I paid a pretty penny for those things but I told my self it would be worth it to no longer have to contend with kinky water hoses..  Today, I hooked up two of the new hoses so I could water a portion of the garden.  After connecting one end of the hose to the spigot and screwing on my hose nozzle to the other end, I was ready to enter watering nirvana for the first time in many years.  I turned on the water and put the nozzle on “spray.”  But to my utter surprise, once again nothing happened.  Zilch. Nada.    Walking back along the length of the brand new hoses, there it was – the biggest kink I had ever seen in a water hose, and believe me, the gg has seen plenty of those.  Tomorrow,  I’m going to return the hoses to the hardware store and grouch at the man or lady behind the counter who sold me kinked hoses they said wouldn’t kink.  Tonight, I going to sit in my study and ruminate about why it is that some companies sell products that aren’t what they say they are or that do or don’t do what they say they will or won’t do. 

gg

BUY ONE -- GET ELEVEN FREE

The gg has been retired for a number of years now, so my need for wardrobe maintenance and replenishment has diminished.  However,  after being advised by Mrs. gg  that I was starting to look a little shabby, I  decided recently to retire a few of my older shirts left over from my working days and replace them with new ones.  Since the gg is now an online shopper, this  meant taking to the trusty internet to see what was available.  (I won’t reveal the merchant I visited by name, but here’s a hint:  its first name was the father of perhaps the most important person to ever live; the last name is a place too big to fail where I keep what little cash I have.) Much to my surprise, I was shocked to see how the prices of men’s  clothing have gone up in the past few years.   I never paid more than $35 for a dress shirt during my working years, so I was shocked to find out that those same shirts are now going for $79.95.  But wait – the ad I’m looking at says if I buy one at the regular price ($79.95) I can get another one free.  Two for the price of one – now there’s a good deal.  Isn’t it?  Only if you believe the shirt is really worth $79.95 and that is truly its regular price.  This comes down to $39.98 per shirt, still more than my ceiling price of $35: so the gg took a pass.  This new marketing gimmick seems to have really caught hold in the men’s clothing business.  I don’t see this “buy one get one free” marketing technique being used to sell women’s clothing.  The ad people must think we men are dumber than our female counterparts. Well, aren’t we?  The gg used to think this gimmick was only used to sell fireworks.  But now it’s used to sell shirts to grouchy geezers.

gg

ALL I WANNA DO IS PEE –E-E-E-E----PEE, PEE, PEE-E (with apologies to the Everly Brothers)

Dan Patrick of Baltimore,  the current Lieutenant Governor of Texas,  has adopted  as his latest cause célèbre the task of keeping transgendered female students (males by birth who transgender to become females) from using girls restrooms.  "Urine in the wrong restroom" is what Dan Patrick of Baltimore would say to those students.  Dan Patrick of Baltimore’s concern is that among these persons are those who presumably would use their claimed identity as females to access girl’s restrooms where they would be able to look at young girls (or even old women, I suppose) with their pants down using  the restroom  According to Dan Patrick of Baltimore, this is an urgent matter of public policy that needs addressing without delay (notwithstanding that it is already against the law in Texas for a male to use a female public restroom).  It is so important that Dan Patrick of Baltimore has said that he would be willing to forego on behalf of the State of Texas as much as $10 billion in federal revenue for use in the public schools of Texas just to show that Dan Patrick of Baltimore won’t be pushed around by Barack Obama of Washington, D.C.  And Dan Patrick of Baltimore  means it by golly.  As do the legion of Dan Patrick of Baltimore’s  crazed followers who have followed  Dan Patrick of Baltimore’s  zaniness and crazy antics for years on Dan Patrick of Baltimore’s  ultra right wing Houston radio station and now voted him into high office as a State official.  Dan Patrick of Baltimore is being aided and abetted in his efforts  by Texas Attorney General  Ken Paxton, who is apparently devoting  whatever time to this problem he has left over after meeting daily with his private lawyers trying to dodge charges of securities fraud.

Now you, the faithful reader, might wonder why the old gg is so agog at this development involving Dan Patrick of Baltimore.  Surely, you’re saying to yourself, the Grouchy Geezer does not believe that people with male genitalia should be allowed to do their business inside a women’s restroom – does he?  And surely the gg must be aware that the main reason that males elect to transgender to females in the first place is so that they can go inside the girls’ restroom and “look.”  That is their real reason, isn’t it?  Dan Patrick of Baltimore must think so.   If not, why would he go to such great lengths to stir this up and make it into such a big issue? Dan Patrick of Baltimore has  proclaimed this to be the most pressing issue facing the great State of Texas (which Dan Patrick of Baltimore secretly would like to return once more into the  Republic of Texas).  To be exact,  Dan Patrick of Baltimore think it’s a problem worth $10 billion, the amount of federal education dollars he is willing to give up to keep transgendered females  from using the girls restroom.  But the gg wishes that Dan Patrick of Baltimore would give his supporters and fellow Texans the answer to the following question:  If a transgendered “Henry turned Henrietta” cannot use the ladies’ restroom at school or out in public, then what should she do when she has to pee?  According to Dan Patrick of Baltimore,  Henrietta should be required to use the men’s room, since Dan Patrick of Baltimore obviously  presumes that Henrietta still retains male plumbing. Dan Patrick of Baltimore must believe that since he has proclaimed that transgendered persons like Henrietta should use the bathroom compatible with their sex at birth.  But since Henrietta has gone to great lengths to convert to female sexuality because deep inside she feels like a female and knows she’s a female, isn’t it safe to assume she looks, acts and dresses iike a girl?  So what does Dan Patrick of Baltimore think will happen to Henrietta, dressed as the female she now is, when she is forced to go  into the boys’ restroom to pee ?  In that case is Dan Patrick of Baltimore concerned in the least for the safety of Henrietta, who is surely to be bullied and teased, if not worse, by the male occupants of the boys restroom?  So far,  Dan Patrick of Baltimore has never uttered a word condemning or proposing any solution for school bullying.  Since those incidents are much more common, you would think it would have gotten Dan Patrick of Baltimore’s attention by now.  Could it be that victims of bullying are just not ripe for use as props for Dan Patrick of Baltimore’s attacks on the federal government?  The gg thinks $10 million  could go a long way to help stem the tide of school bullying in Texas.

It was reported wihtin the past few days that Donald Trump may not be able to find anyone willing to run with him as his VP or in his cabinet or as an advisor.  The gg would suggest Dan Patrick of Baltimore would be a great fit (see reference to zaniness and crazy antics above).  There is just one catch – in a surprising and refreshing answer to a question, Trump said he believes that a transgendered student should be able to use whatever bathroom he/she feels most comfortable using.  In other words, everyone should just keep on keeping on with the way they've been doing it until  the likes of Dan Patrick of Baltimore and his clones in some of the other states decided to make this a burning issue.  Since this is apparently  the most important issue of the day, and since Dan Patrick of Baltimore and Donald Trump of New York do not agree on how to resolve it, Dan Patrick of Baltimore is obviously not  an appropriate  running mate or cabinet appointee.

The gg thinks a more burning question is:  What restroom should be used in Texas by  transplanted idiots from Baltimore who want us to believe they’re native Texans?  By the way, have I mentioned that Dan Patrick is from Baltimore?

gg